The Perfect Words
by silverdoes
Summary: One-shot. The perfect words never crossed my mind cause there was nothing in there but you.


_The perfect words never crossed my mind cause there was nothing in there but you._

_I felt every ounce of me, screaming out, but the sound was trapped deep in me._

I've ran this scene through my mind a billion times. It's kind of like one of Jesse's stupid movies. I'd proclaim my undying love for her, she'd do the same, we'd make out a whole lot, and then we'd live happily ever after.

That's how it's supposed to work, right?

No.

This is why I hate all those movies.

They make it look so damn easy, but it really isn't. Every single one of them seems to forget just how hard it is. It's like walking up to someone with your heart on a silver platter. And oh, here's a knife to go along with it. You know, just in case you don't love me back.

I always told myself I'd get over it just for you. But I never did. I never could.

Had it been anyone else in the world, maybe I could have. But not you. Things are always so much harder when you have something to lose.

_All I wanted, just sped right past me, but I was rooted fast to the earth_

I was too late. Way too late. I had an entire year to tell her, and now she's gone.

She is in New York. And I am here at Barden.

Maybe she wouldn't have left had I told her.

But I screwed up yet again. That's who I am. Who I always have been, and who I always will be. Beca Mitchell: the girl who always screws up.

_There you are standing right in front of me._

It's always been about me. Never you. And that was my biggest mistake.

But in reality, it always has been about you. If it was never about you, there wouldn't be so many sleepless nights. My thoughts wouldn't be constantly about you. There would be no pain in my chest over the lack of your presence.

I should have listened to everyone. They always said that you had a massive "toner," as Aubrey liked to call it, for me. And they always teased me about having a massive toner for you. But I always just told them to shut up.

And that was me.

All shut up in my tiny little world. Never able to tell you how I truly felt. Because it was all about me.

_The only resolution and the only joy is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes._

I really am stupid sometimes.

After all that time we had spent together, and even if I knew how I felt about you, I screwed it up anyways.

I don't know why, but I sang that song for Jesse. And he was the one I ran to at the end and kissed. It really was supposed to be you. But it was easy with him. Maybe cause I had nothing to lose.

The worst part is I saw you after I did it too. You looked like a little kid who just got their taken away from them.

I tried to make it up to you after that. Spent as much time as I could with you before you graduated, made mixes for you (although I didn't make those to make you happy. I made them mostly for me and they just happened to be about you), watched your favorite movies, and tried to make you laugh. But I never once told you why I cared so much. Even when you asked.

And when we were in the airport as you were about to pass through the security gates to get to your flight to New York, I hugged you as tightly as I could in an attempt to tell you everything I felt. I poured out everything I felt as I held you. I begged you for forgiveness for everything I did and everything I didn't do. And you looked at me with those sad eyes that told me you forgave me even though it hurt.

I just wish I had the right words to say.

_Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety._

It's a crazy world we live in, isn't it?

When I finally got the one thing I needed in this stupid life, I pushed it away.

She is everything I want. Everything I need. Everything I was willing to give myself to. And she was willing to give back to. And I couldn't do it.

And when I can't sleep at night, I just really wish you could be there to wipe away all my tears. I wish you could hold me till I fall asleep.

Instead, I'll just stare at your name on my phone, wishing I could call you. But I knew you'd probably be asleep. But sometimes, I wonder if you lie awake at night because of me.

_No, I won't wait forever._

I can't wait for something that'll never happen though. So that's why I stay with Jesse. He loves me, and I can tolerate him. I'll just have to get through movies, popcorn, and sometimes stupid jokes, but I can deal with it. He's nice to me and holds me when I need to be held. It's nothing like how I imagine it would be with you, but I guess I'd never know.

I had my chance, and I let it go. And now I have to deal with the consequences.

Maybe one day, I'll get the courage to fly up to New York and just kiss you and maybe that'll tell you everything. Or maybe not.

Until then, I guess I'm just sitting here wishing and hoping you'd be the first to say something.

Sometimes, I wonder why, if you really did feel the same, you didn't say anything first.


End file.
